Exciting times. Done with college. Time to move on. Get ready to work. Impress people. Advance. Make money. But is that really what I want? Why do I feel like I'm in a state of limbo in the month I'm sticking around Ithaca? I suppose that question answers itself. I've never been the most outwardly ambitious person in my family, or even among my friends. What I do have, however is the desire to prove myself to... well anyone really.
The problem with this is that I am prone to giving up at crucial moments or getting distracted by random things. I was completely ready to do tons of work for the AUV team this summer when I got back up here. Then I put off doing work for a day. Then two days. Now two weeks. I don't know why I'm even bothering being up here. I'm pretty much constantly lying about doing work. I don't like lying, especially when I'm the one doing it, but I've decided that I'm good at lying which angers me since the only way I could be good at lying is if I've been practicing it or I'm just a "bad" person.
It might be safe for me to assume that I'm a good person... and makes this a much simpler rant (I realize I'm not even talking about what I started talking about in the first place... or maybe they're related... bah I don't care). That means that I've had practice lying. Practice implies that I've probably lied to people I care about... maybe even lied to you? A white lie I'm sure, I really only lie for real to other people... never to you. Or is that a lie in itself? Is that what they call a paradox? I'm not even sure what some words mean and I use them, but I think that's fairly common.
I feel like I need to have an assignment that I care about. It takes a lot to motivate me, but I'm fairly good at concentrating when I am motivated. I'm terrified about work. I'm terrified about moving. I'm terrified about clinging to something that won't work out or dropping something that could be amazing. I'm terrified about making all of these decisions in the next month that the slacker in me would love to give up on.
Perhaps this is why I sit here in my apartment and stare at my computer screen and play games, read blogs, listen to music... pretty much do whatever I can to not think about the future. I've never been one to plan out my life, I like going with the flow but at the same time I see a destination as to where I want to be later on and have some confidence that I'll get there eventually. The uncertainty is exciting and terrifying at the same time. I don't like making decisions, I like the time after a decision has been made. I will sit there and analyze the hell out of every damn angle I can think of before deciding on something. I'll get so worked up over a big decision... but the release of tension afterwards is practically a high.
I realize that I identify with the main character in Office Space a bit too much. I don't know if working at a tech company in California is the right career for me. Sure I was an engineer. But the number of times I wanted to quit engineering is quite high. I'm no longer sure if I'm doing what I'm doing because I want to, or because my parents said "hey, do engineering... you like that sort of stuff". Or maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to quit.
1 comment:
It's a lot easier to avoid your future than to face it.
...that was probably a quote from somewhere.
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